Double Standards in the Bedroom: Who Made These Rules, Anyway?
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If you’ve ever felt judged for how you show up in the bedroom, congratulations. You’re not broken. You’re just living inside a culture that loves double standards, especially when it comes to sex.
This episode of Not Safe for Brunch was inspired entirely by comments. Not polite feedback. Not curious questions. Comments. The spicy, unfiltered kind that reveal exactly how deeply ingrained sexual double standards still are.
Let’s get into it.
The “Goldilocks” Rule of Female Desire
Women are expected to want sex, but not too much sex.
Enjoy oral? Cool. Don’t enjoy it every time? Suddenly you’re selfish.
High libido? You’re desperate.
Low libido? You’re broken.
Somewhere in the middle? Still wrong.
There’s no winning because the goalpost is imaginary and constantly moving.
One comment accused women of being entitled for having standards around sexual acts, especially when those acts are done purely for someone else’s pleasure. The implication? That consent should be automatic and enthusiasm optional.
Let’s be clear: wanting to participate in sex only when you want to is not entitlement. It’s autonomy.
Standards Are Not a Crime
Here’s a reality check that made some people uncomfortable:
Most women do not orgasm from penetration alone.
Many women do not orgasm from giving oral sex ever.
So when women say they expect pleasure too, that isn’t entitlement. That’s sexual equality.
Having standards doesn’t mean you don’t care about your partner. It means you care about yourself as well. And yes, everyone in a relationship gets to have standards. Women are just saying theirs out loud.
Emotional Labor Isn’t Sexy, But It’s Always There
There’s a running joke about women being “starfish” in bed.
What’s missing from that joke? Context.
Women often carry the emotional and mental load of relationships:
• scheduling
• remembering everything
• managing emotions
• smoothing conflict
• anticipating needs
Then we’re expected to flip a switch and perform like we’ve been resting all day.
When women are tired, it’s framed as laziness.
When men are tired, it’s framed as understandable stress.
That double standard isn’t just unfair, it’s exhausting.
Communication Requires Safety
A recurring comment theme was “women should just communicate more.”
Here’s the part no one wants to admit:
Women communicate when they feel safe.
If someone reacts defensively, dismissively, or with ego every time feedback is offered, communication stops. That’s not a lack of effort, that’s self-protection.
Communication isn’t barking instructions like a GPS mid-sex. It’s built over time, through listening, remembering, and mutual respect.
Why Are There More Sex Toys for Women?
Yes, there are more toys marketed to women.
No, it’s not because men don’t deserve pleasure.
It’s because male pleasure has been treated as automatic, simple, and tool-free, while also being wrapped in shame.
Men are often taught:
• needing help means failure
• toys threaten masculinity
• exploration equals embarrassment
Meanwhile, women using toys is normalized, even expected.
That’s not equality. That’s another double standard.
The Joke Always Targets Men’s Toys
Women’s toys are framed as empowerment.
Men’s toys are framed as punchlines.
Fleshlights, dolls, prostate toys, they’re rarely discussed without ridicule. That shame doesn’t stop desire. It just stops conversation, exploration, and honesty.
Pleasure shouldn’t come with a side of humiliation.
Aging, Bodies & Performance Pressure
Men are expected to perform flawlessly forever.
Women are expected to stay desirable forever.
Neither is realistic.
Libido changes. Bodies change. Medications affect things. Stress affects things. And none of it equals failure.
Grace belongs in the bedroom, not just performance expectations.
So What’s the Point of All This?
These rules didn’t come from nowhere.
They’re baked into culture, relationships, and yes, comment sections.
But the more we talk about them, the less power they hold.
You’re not entitled for wanting pleasure.
You’re not lazy for being tired.
You’re not broken for needing communication, tools, or time.
You’re human.
And that should be more than enough.