Is It Cheating? Why Every Couple Needs to Define the Line

What counts as cheating?

Sleeping with someone else seems pretty obvious. But what about deleting a text because you know your partner wouldn't like it? Paying for someone's OnlyFans? Keeping Tinder installed even though you swear you never use it? Having a friendship your partner doesn't know exists?

That's where things get messy.

In Episode 91 of Taboo Talk: Not Safe for Brunch, we threw a bunch of these scenarios at each other, and even the three of us didn't always draw the line in exactly the same place.

And that's kind of the point.

Watch the full episode if you want to hear us argue our way through OnlyFans, exes, dating apps, drunk kisses, hotel rooms, secret friendships and a few scenarios that got surprisingly complicated.

But here's the bigger conversation.

Cheating Isn't Always About Sex

When people hear the word cheating, they tend to picture something physical. Kissing. Sex. Sneaking into a hotel room.

But betrayal can start long before anybody takes their pants off.

Imagine you have a coworker you talk to every day. They're the first person you want to tell when something exciting happens. You share intimate details about your relationship with them that you haven't even discussed with your partner.

Has anyone technically cheated?

Maybe not.

But something has shifted.

There's a difference between having close friends and building an emotional relationship that begins replacing the intimacy you normally share with your partner.

That's why one of the questions we kept coming back to during this episode was:

Why are you hiding it?

Secrecy Changes Everything

One scenario was incredibly simple:

You delete messages because you think your partner would misunderstand them.

Our reaction?

Well... that's some bullshit. 😂

If you're deliberately removing evidence because you don't want your partner to see an interaction, the problem isn't really whether the individual message technically qualifies as cheating.

You already know it violates something in the relationship.

The same thing applies to having an entire friendship your partner doesn't know exists.

You don't need to report every conversation you have to your partner. Privacy is normal.

Secrecy and privacy are not the same thing.

If a relationship, friendship or interaction can only continue as long as your partner never finds out about it, that's worth paying attention to.

Is Social Media Making This Worse?

Relationships have a whole new set of situations to navigate now.

Is liking thirst traps disrespectful?

What if they're photos of someone you actually know?

What if your partner follows hundreds of sexy accounts?

What about porn?

And then there's OnlyFans.

For us, paying for an OnlyFans subscription felt different from casually stumbling across sexual content online because there's the potential for a much more direct and personal interaction.

But another couple might completely disagree.

That's why trying to create one universal definition of cheating doesn't really work.

One partner might genuinely think, It's just a picture.

The other might think, You're publicly drooling over someone we both know. What the hell?

Neither person can magically know where the other one's boundary sits without talking about it.

What About Dating Apps?

This one got a pretty strong reaction.

If you've agreed that you're in a monogamous committed relationship, why are you still on a dating app?

If two people are casually dating and haven't discussed exclusivity yet, that's different. Modern dating can have several stages before people officially decide they're a couple.

But once you've agreed you're exclusive, keeping your profile active because rebuilding it later would be annoying isn't exactly a spectacular argument.

As Vicki basically pointed out during the episode: copy the damn profile into your Notes app. 😂

The bigger issue isn't the app itself.

It's whether you're still looking.

Can You Still Be Friends With an Ex?

Again: context.

Running into an ex unexpectedly and chatting for ten minutes isn't automatically betrayal.

Planning coffee with an ex and deliberately not mentioning it to your partner?

That changes things.

And this is where transparency becomes important.

Being transparent doesn't mean asking permission to exist. It means giving your partner enough information to make their own decisions about what they're comfortable participating in.

You might think having coffee with an ex is completely harmless.

Your partner may consider it a significant boundary.

You won't know unless you've actually talked about it.

And Then There Are the Situations That Sound Worse Than They Are

Sharing a hotel room with a friend?

Our answers depended almost entirely on the people involved, the circumstances and the level of trust in the relationship.

Flirting for a free drink?

For some couples that's harmless fun.

Fantasizing about somebody else during sex?

We were basically united on that one.

Whatever gets the job done. Just maybe don't accidentally scream the neighbour's name while they're outside trimming the bushes.

Some thoughts don't need to become group projects. 😂

But A Drunk Kiss?

Yeah.

That's cheating.

Being drunk might explain why somebody's judgment was terrible. It doesn't automatically erase the behaviour.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It doesn't create a magical relationship exemption where nothing counts until you're sober again.

What happens afterward, whether the relationship survives it and how the couple handles it are completely different questions.

But "I was drunk" doesn't turn a kiss into something that didn't happen.

The Real Problem: You're Using Different Rule Books

This was probably the biggest takeaway from our entire conversation.

A lot of couples don't actually define cheating.

They assume they agree.

Until something happens.

One person thinks porn is harmless. The other considers it betrayal.

One person thinks flirting is part of their personality. The other feels humiliated by it.

One person thinks staying friends with an ex is completely normal. The other thinks exes should stay firmly in the past.

Nobody talks about it until someone's hurt.

And now instead of discussing a hypothetical boundary calmly, you're having the conversation in the middle of an argument.

That's a shitty time to discover you've been playing by completely different rules.

Have the Conversation Before You Need It

Healthy relationships don't necessarily have the strictest boundaries.

They have clear boundaries.

Ask each other the uncomfortable questions.

Would OnlyFans bother you?

Can we stay friends with exes?

Are dating apps deleted once we're exclusive?

What kind of flirting is okay?

Would you care if I shared a hotel room with a friend?

What's private, and what's secret?

What online behaviour would make you feel disrespected?

You might be surprised by your partner's answers.

And that's better than being surprised after someone crosses a line they didn't even realize existed.

Because cheating isn't always as black and white as people want it to be.

But communication?

That part actually is pretty simple.

Have the damn conversation.

And now we're curious: What's something you consider cheating that you think other couples would say is completely harmless?